when you read this i will be gone.

its all over for me. i told you this day would come, i bet you didn't think i'd actually go through with it.

you thought all i could do was cut up my wrists. you were wrong weren't you?

its me. its a sickness that i have. i don't know how to deal with my family or my friends anymore. its all so depressing really.

 

now you may be asking: why did she do this? and my answer is simply: why not?

i know i may have had friends that cared about me, and that's nice and all, but i'm not getting what i bargained for. in fact i feel like shit.

 

i have friends who know who i really am, and it is not them that drove me to this, god help me if it were so. it is the people that refuse to be my friends that played a crucial role in my decision to end my life.

 

it is human nature to judge someone then treat them accordingly. i will not be a hypocrite and say i was above this, but i at least kept myself in check. others did not.  now i admit i am not the most likeable person, but they never gave me a chance. these people represent the average, and if i have to be with these types of people for the rest of my life, i would rather not have a life. the people i liked, loved, cared about, they felt the opposite about me.

 

i am not accepted, i am a burden. at least that is how i was treated. if you thought otherwise you should have fucking told me, cause its a little late for that now, thank you very much. i hope i wake some people up with this. lord knows i am tired. this was written in anticipations of what i know i will do. i have thought long and hard about it. i must take my leave of you, and of the world.

 

from the day i was born, to the day i died, i have been in pain. that is the only real thing i know. my life has been one long agonising death. my universe is a void that can only be filled with hurt and sorrow. love comes and goes. but when it leaves, the pain is back again. it always comes back. its the only thing i can rely on, the only constant in my life. my death is the one thing i am sure of. my slow, painful, death. the black ropes that enslaved me to continue this terrible existance have been destroyed. i lost the very thing that kept me here all these years; my soul. dark, cold death will envelope me in one final embrace, realeasing me from this pain. my sorrow will be no more.

 

nobody cares, why should i? i cause problems for everyone i care about so why should i stay? why am i such a terrible person? nothing i do is right. i don't understand. i don't have any choice in the matter. to make everything better i have to die. i can't make it right by living. i'm so scared, i want out, but oh i dont' know.

i'm so fat, ugly and stupid. how can i expect myself to do anything right. i've failed at everything. there is nothing here for me now, i can't possibly go on. i didn't mean to hurt anyone. please believe me. i love you all so very much, and i dont want to hurt you anymore.

 

People say they care about me, but i don't feel cared for. everyone says that i'll find someone, but i know i won't. you say everything will be ok but it won't. you say it will all get better but it isn't. you say you're here for me but you're not. you're there and i'm here. soon you'll still be there and i'll be far away watching over you and taking care of you and making sure that you live your life fully and have happiness unlike me. some people say that suicide is wrong and very evil, but those people were never 15 and depressed like i am.

 

to the people who said they cared, where were you when i cried myself to sleep? to the people who didn't give a shit, hey, i understand, i don't give a shit about myself either. thanks for opening my eyes to the fact that i don't matter. to the one or two people who i know care, don't worry about me, i'm gonna be with you, watching every step you take. thanks for whatever you did to keep me going this long.

 

mum, dad & ******, and all my guys and girls that i love, i'm going to heaven before you, so i'll wait for you. and eventually when you're with me once more, i'll prove how much i love you. refrain from sorrow, and when you feel like crying save the tears for tomorrow.

 

xoxo