I was always normal, and considered to be a happy person, outgoing ya know, but inside, i was a completely different person. I guess you could say im a master of disguise, as no one ever had a clue about what was really going on in my life. But it comes to a point, eventually, where you cant hide your true colours any more. You just explode with all these different, overpowering emotions which you have no control over. For me, that time was last year.

Although depression is concidered an imbalance in brain chemicals, there were a few things which i think triggered my derpression, Firstly, 2 friends of mine committed sucide, one of which was my bestfriemd. the person i concidered my soulmate. Also, i had just been in an abusive relationship with the first guy i had ever truly loved, and it just hit me so bad when i realised that i meant nothing to him at all, and to me, he was my life.

since i was 15, i always had a knife, which i kept in my pocket of my school uniform "just in case". It made me feel safe, and in control, knowing that if things ever got to the point where i just couldnt take any more, i had an escape route. But then about half way during the year, i had a day where you know EVERYTHING goes wrong, and you like tie your shoe lace the wrong way and it makes you cry, so i got the knife out, and went to the bathroom and just started cutting my leg, i didnt have a clue what i was doing, i just kept doing it, and it felt really good. So then after that, i was feeling on top of the world. So i was like this is perfect, i dont have to actually slit my wrists and kill myself to make all the pain stop, i can just cut anywhere else and itll have the safe effect.

But then it became an obsession, i guess it was like drugs or something, i mean at first you do it cos it puts you on a high, but then you do it because you cant live life without it. So thats how it was for me. Then i guess when things got COMPLETELY outta control was when my then best friend read a suicide note i had written. < it was a note i carried around with me everywhere, cos i didnt know exactly when i planned on killing myself but i concluded one day that i would kill myself, cos my life was so crap>

Then soon my whole grade knew about this suicide note, and everyone was crying and upset and like "oh my god dont do it, we all love you". and i was like SHIT! I have been so selfish, all this time people really have cared about me, and look at what im doing to them, im making them totally freak out. Of course, it was all a lie, and then all the gossiping started about how i was so fuked up and blah blah, and it soon became clear that no one gave a damn. Then came all the counselling <it may work for some people, but counselling just seems to make me more pissed off that i was before>, and the doctors. Then i was put on anti-depressants, which i gotta tell you didnt do shit except for give me a headache and make me wanna sleep about 50 hours a day.

Then on another one of those bad everything days, my best friend decided she had to make things even worse. She told me she couldnt handle being around me and she "needed some space". Yeah bullshit. So basically, when the going got tough, she got going, not to mention everyone else. Meanwhile, i didnt have it that easy, what with everyone telling me not to kill myself cos it was "the easy way out". <I just remembered a good quote i read somewhere:- "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, the temporary problem is life"

So i was getting all this mixed signals, not sure whether people gave a damn about me or not, i concluded they probably didnt.

So i went into a bathroom and just started slicing and slicing, didnt matter where, i just kept going. Then i ran out of the school and went home. i packed some shit into a bag and caught a train to the city, well attempted to. i brought sleeping pills from a chemist and took over 300 while i was on the train, so obviously passed out and my body was in a state of shock. someone on the train called an ambulance so then i was taken to hospital where i was put on life support before having my stomach pumped. i tried to pull the plug out, but that didnt happen. i had everyone around me telling me how luck i was because i could have died, and my only reaction was "well why the fuck didn't you just let me die?"

Anyways so then i was put into these kind of rehab classes i guess you would call them, and put on another brand of anti-depressants which actually worked. so after around 6 months, things were really starting to look up, my life was back together. i finally realised that councellors were there to help me too! and also i realised that <im gonna use a cliche here> although it doesnt happen over night, it will happen!! Believe me on this one.